worth the wait

Has left ever felt hard for you? Left you wondering when you would see the other side- or if you even would? *raises hand* I know that that is like. I am walking out of a hard season that I truly wondered if I would be stuck there forever. Greg would encourage me and tell me there was hope, but believing for myself was difficult.

I haven’t written half as much as I have wanted to over the last two years, but if you’ve been around for that amount of time, you know how God worked in a way only He could and sent us to North Carolina. I was known during that move as “Buster Moon” because I would say, “Dream big dreams!” I was so excited for this new adventure and knew, without a doubt, God was calling us.

the wrestling

I haven’t shared much of my story in this space yet, but when we got to NC in July of ’22, we hit the ground running! At first, everything was great… until it wasn’t for me. I was hoping to leave behind the past when we moved, and it seemed to follow me. Never before had I struggled with anxiety until this move. I was frustrated. I didn’t know why the Lord was allowing me to walk through this season. The darkness was thick and heavy and I wasn’t sure it would ever leave.

There were days I would call Greg crying, just wrestling with anxiety, worry, fear. It truly felt overwhelming at times. I did my best to put one foot in front of the other when I really just wanted to crawl back in bed. Greg has been through his own season of anxiety and he would just hold me, wipe my tears, and tell me I’d make it through, that I would see the other side. He had the faith for me that I couldn’t seem to find for myself.

God felt distant. I continued doing the things I knew I needed to be doing, but would often walk away from my time with the Lord wondering why He seemed so silent. I would tell Him my struggles, ask Him to heal me, to speak to me, to let me know He was near. And all it felt like was crickets. Meanwhile, I’m serving in student ministry as a small group leader and Sunday school teacher. There were times I wonder if I should have been, but I can say now, it was good for me to preach the Gospel to others, because I was also preaching it to myself during those times.

hardship of parenting

During this same season, (is it a season when it lasts for almost 2 years??) we were also dealing with hardships in parenting. There were times I believed the lie that everyone else’s children were perfect and this move to NC must have really screwed up our children. I listened to the enemy when he would point out my failures as a parent and show me my child and say, “See. It’s your fault.” If you have children, you probably know exactly what I mean.

It’s been a hard road as a parent, and when you’ve never had teenagers before, you are learning as you go. There have been situations that I have not known how to handle. Circumstances that have made me angry and frustrated and left me crying and broken hearted. Y’all, parenting is not for the weary. What I can say is, it has increased my prayer life!

disappointment

Since moving to NC, we have been renting. And looking, searching, scouring Zillow for a home. If you are breathing, you know the housing market has been less than favorable. In April ’24, we set out on a serious search for our home. To say the journey was filled with disappointment is a complete understatement. Every time a home wouldn’t work out, I had to keep telling myself that it was the Lord has something better. Even when I didn’t believe it, I needed remind myself that God’s timing is perfect. We had been praying for two years for a home. So, I knew God was in the “no’s” but it didn’t always make it easier to hear.

Again, during this time of house hunting, there have been other things in life that have just been disappointing. Life tends to bring disappointment alongside of blessing. To say that I was discourage in almost all areas of life for the last few months… I’m not sure that even touches the depths of all that I have been walking through.

However, what I can completely tell you is that even through the wrestlings, the struggles, the hardships, the disappointments, God was still good. He didn’t leave me. He didn’t forsake me. He may have been silent to my ears, but He was speaking to my heart. It was all worth the wait…. part two coming soon!